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Heidi
- Female
- Hampshire
- United Kingdom
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Profile Information
- Hometown:
- California
- About Me:
- American, living in the UK :)
- About my teenager:
- 12 yr old boy and 13 yr old girl, both have ADHD and one has severe Asperger's Syndrome (the boy). Both now live with their mum, but we did have the boy with us for four years. I was put on anxiety medication because of our conflicts.
- The one question I would like to ask Sarah.
- How do I as a step-parent stop regarding my step children as entirely undeserved of anything good after their horrifying behaviours?
- My biggest challenge.
- Getting the two kids to stop incessantly (and I mean *incessantly*) bickering and one-upping the other. Constant bickering and competing. Their mother is the sort of person who blames everyone else, isn't emotionally available to the kids, never has anything good to say to them. There's a LOT to overcome and help the kids to see - I haven't given up, just REALLY want to, but CANT, just not in my nature. If I know they're coming, I need to lock things up (or they're stolen and they don't care, no matter what approach is taken, they've 'got what they wanted' and don't care about the consequence), If they're coming, I try to think of fun meals - to make or that they can make..and try to praise them at every turn for good things. oh my gawd the list is endless, as I'm sure are many others! :)
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*bats lashes* carries on! Will definately try to check it out!! :D
Heidi
My husband and I were married 5 years ago this past May, within 8 months his ex decided she didn't want their son any longer and literally 'dumped him' on us. Being mid-term in his 3rd year and nearly being expelled - the 'lil alien' or 'child unit' came to invade. Not being his fault at all, just had a LOT of struggles that were left unattended (by teachers, his school - being special needs *nobody* had the patience or wherewithal to HELP him, instead they put him through the wringer and made him feel incompetant, which only spurred him to react badly through rather emotionally charged/aggressive/violent outbursts). He came to us, I home schooled him for about 6 weeks until we were finally able to get him into a school. During those 6 weeks was *Absolutely* horror. I knew something was up but just not HOW much until living with and interracting with him on a daily basis. (His dad worked the night shift,and being new to the UK still wasn't working and was with his son during the day).
Winding forward though - my step son lived with us nearly 4 years until his mum decided without ever discussing it that she wanted her son back. Step son goes off to mum's for a week's school holiday break and never came back. I'd busted my rump to get him the place in school, transportation help, tutors working with him regarding his special needs, sports activities to help him try to feel involved and encourage socialising.
Getting this child to try and do his homework ran anywhere from 1-4 hours (or if it was more than one subject - it could potentially go until bedtime). He often failed to make the link of consequence (or cause and effect), whereas most might normally have taken 20-30 minutes for these assignments. His rigid fixation on NOT wanting to do something was SO difficult to surmount, it was *insane.* The only thing we could do was not to react to or recognise his behaviour in that state and only discuss or interract with him when he was calm. However even then he was still attempting to manipulate the 'case' in his favor to NOT have to do his homework (however this to my understanding is *very* common with aspergers' syndrome, they not only rigidly fixate on their thoughts/beliefs, but they do NOT like challenges or changes).
Countless items have been tossed my way (in my face at times) (TV remote control, books he didn't want to read, pens, etc.) -- his *combined* struggles (educationally/emotionally/intellectually) PLUS the fact that his mum essentially rejected him - he had no grounding, no direction, nor any sense of 'family' or 'home.' This was probably this child's saving grace ;) KNOWING full well his entire life had been turned upside down for WHO he is, was infuriating. But then again this child's treatment toward me was ALSO infuriating.
He no longer lives with us! it's been (as stated above) since October (??) we see both kids periodically on the weekends or for holiday visits over the week(s) now and then. There's still a LOT of turmoil that exists. I know they're still trying to test me and boundaries but GOOD LORD ALMIGHTY they're horrible together heheh
Alone, visiting - individually - this is what's come to pass. Not both, but one may come to visit, which to me, ultimately must not be very good, or send horrible messages. Then again, it could be the reverse effect...one might THINK they'd cop a clue but they don't. They're FAR MORE concerned about out doing the other (or who has the darker juice, or more potatoes, or who kicked someone in the face, versus who broke the TV or game controller). (yes their dad is *really good* but is really a struggle) (SOMEWHERE in my file system on back up/archives I have the 20 some odd page 'paper' I had to submit on my step-son's behalf to be considered for government help regarding his aspergers'....few people that read it said OH MY GOD this child NEEDS *Serious* help -- the county's response? -- nope, he's FINE *bangs head on walls*)
HOW i'm planning to implement strategies...the ONLY thing I have thus so far....I'm back on anxiety medication for one (which has *really helped* - citolopram and have thyroid meds for graves disease hooey - so those are good). I also am trying to get more sleep, go for walks (alone) - even if it's not for exercise, but to mentally/physically 'air out.' During the time I've had at home, I've been doing university work via financial assistance (family help otherwise I wouldn't have ever been able to do it! heheh - my husband's and the kids just...well they don't care that we don't have that much at their expense!) - but I've been actively learning very indepth on psychotherapy and counselling, stress management and aromatherapy (more of the chemical and PH balances, various methods of treatment, etc.) - to work toward not only for helping myself (and those around me! by potentially communicating better! But hopefully in the long run to learn and progress more toward being a counselling practitioner specialising in stress management).
THE thing I am doing - next time they're here - I've bought two cookery books! Both for teens/kids. BOTH have a knack for doing this! I thought firstly to get them an individual book - as they're horrible at sharing, but even though one is a very creative and expressive cook, and the other is a more 'paint by the numbers' cook (freezer foods) - I dont want to denegrate either one of them but to say HEY here's a good fun task you guys can do - whether one is here on their own, or if they're both here together...I hope this will help not only engage them in positive activities, but to also promote self esteem...HOPEFULLY demonstrating (What I loved that you said -->) TEAM WORK (Dammit!)
RADIO showwwww I'd love to listen, but dont much get the chance to do that - but will really try and appreciate that you're there! :)
(will have to check the link you've posted, thank you - but next time! as I've rattled on lol)
many thanks :)
Heidi
Next Radio Show Wednesday at 7.30 If you want to tag along :-)
Sarah
Just seen your review on amazon - it had me laughing out loud..thanks a lot...
OK tell me where you are starting with them based on the book.....what is the first action you are going to do.....perhaps a Step-parenting purpose might be a good first step so you are clear in what you want.
You may also want to take a look here a V-Course may be a really good solution for you. http://www.sarahnewton.com/php/form.php?id=149
Sarah