Heidi's Page
Profile Information
- Hometown:
- Hampshire
- About Me:
- I am 40, married with three children age 13, 8 and 7 months.
- About my teenager:
- He has been a 'teenager' since the age of 8 or 9! It's as though he has two distinct sides to his nature. When he is nice he is very nice, loving, sensitive, caring. When he is nasty he is rude, lazy, spiteful, he answers back, argues about everything and has temper tantrums when he can't get his own way and violent rages when told off or asked to do something. The awkward behaviour started at about the age of 5, for example he refused to wear certain clothes such as anything with buttons.
He has lashed out violently at me before and has often hissed that he hates me and wishes I was dead. We argue almost every day as he ignores what I ask him to do. I dread his bad moods as the house has a bad atmosphere and his behaviour often makes me cry. I feel that my husband and I have made huge mistakes bringing him up and that we are losing control.
If it weren't for the increasingly rare glimpses of his nicer side I think I would give up and withdraw completely.
- The one question I would like to ask Sarah.
- How do I deal with my son when he tries to make me look stupid all the time? He will sneak up and frighten me to death then fall about laughing, he will say something he thinks is 'cryptic' then stand there smirking, I feel bullied by a 13 year old. Help!
- My biggest challenge.
- Trying to achieve a happy and peaceful family atmosphere!
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However the normal everyday arguments persist with him ignoring our requests and my husband has confiscated the Xbox several times resulting in the screaming temper tantrums he's had for years.
Yes, you're right about my high expectations, I am a perfectionist and am trying to tone down my idealistic ideas.
Anyway, to answer your two questions, he is 13 (will be 14 in March) and yes I have heard of ODD (if you mean oppositional dysfunctional disorder). He has most of the 'symptoms' I have seen listed on the internet. How do you deal with it? Pease can you write a book on it....?!!!!
OK I believe that when giving solutions I should give you an outer solution (something you can do) and an inner solution (something you can think about) this is because I believe parenting is as much about managing yourself as it is your child.
So here goes……on an outer level it feels like there are lots of things “unsaid” here between everyone I am not sure if that is what it is like but that is what I pick up. Ok when he does something that upsets you you need to follow a simple process.
1. Tell him what he is doing (i.e. do you relasie you are making fun of me)
2. Ask him to stop
3. If he continues do 1 and 2 again and add how it makes you feel “Do you relaise you are making fun of me, please stop. When you do that it makes we feel…….
4. If he still continues repeat 1-3 and add what you will do if it continues “Do you relaise you are making fun of me, please stop. When you do that it makes we feel……. If this continues then your friends will have to leave(for example)
5. If he then continues then you will need to follow through no matter what.
You need to say this in a very neutral tone no matter what! It may seem strange but used consistently it will work.
Just out of interest are you familiar with O.D.D.?
Ok Inner stuff…..I want to challenge you on your vision of what you want – although it sounds delightful is it really possible? This is not the Walton’s it is real life if we set ourselves up with high expectations then it will never measure up. I challenge you to re-frame it. I think a lot of your opportunity comes in the fact that what you get may never match what you think you should have. It feels like you have this perfect vision of how everything should go and if it does not match up it is wrong….that must be hard for everyone. Can he ever live up to the perfection you desire and will you always be disappointed?
By the way he does not dislike you or hate you – it is all to do with him trying out his new found brain which I will go through with you when I know his age. This is all part of him finding out who he is and what he is capable.
Thank you for replying, it's taken me a long time to answer your questions as I have been trying to think of an answer to b and c!
In answer to a. to me this should look like a happy family all sitting around the meal table having friendly conversations and laughter.
b. I cannot answer without saying my son, and c. I don't know because I have tried ignoring/giving more attention and neither work.
A good example of the kind of Christmas we have had is if I describe our New Years Eve. Every year we stay in and I put on a little party for the kids with their favourite party food and we all sit down to the table to eat. Yesterday my son had been in a strange mood all day behaving badly at the ice rink (which should have been another lovely 'treat') and constantly complaining to my husband about me. Once we got home I ignored all this and was kind and friendly towards him. However, I lasted about 15 minutes at the meal table as the constant snide comments aimed towards upsetting me eventually got to me so much there was no point trying to ignore him/change the subject any more and I took my food into the kitchen. Husband for once saw what was going on and sent son to bedroom. End of lovely family New Years party....
This happens in a constant cycle with a whole day of this nasty behaviour, peppered with 'do I really annoy you Mummy?' and 'am I like David Platt?' (Coronation Street devil child) all said with a smirk. Wakes up the following day seemingly remorseful, comes to me all apologetic saying he's sorry he's been bad yesterday/ruined this, that or the other. Then it all starts again a day or two later. This morning I refused to accept an apology as I feel it is false and more to do with needing washing, etc, doing and husband returning to work on Wednesday, so he shouted 'Fine!' and was sent to his room again.
My only other dinner party this year on the 22nd was spoilt by him taking offence at my brother's teasing and Christmas was disappointing as the expensive drumkit I had so looked forward to seeing him get was rejected as not good enough.
I'm sorry to go on but I can't seem to get a grip on how to deal with all this and feel very negative about the New Year.
I do have a copy of your book but can't seem to apply it to our particular problems. How can I ignore the snide remarks when it goes on and on and monopolises everything, for instance at the dinner table? Should I be ignoring him, or should I laugh, or ask him why he wants to hurt me? And how do I give positive attention to someone who dislikes me so much they want to upset me all the time? I know it sounds ridiculous but I feel picked on by my own son and I now feel happier when he is out of the house.
Well lots going on here and all totally changeable Just let me know do you have a copy of my book.
Also you say what you want is a happy and peaceful family atmosphere
a. What does that look like?
b. What is getting in the way of this? ( and you can not say your son)
c. What is the biggest thing you could do to move you towards this?
Welcome on board ! Putting up Xmas decorations at the moment will get on to your questions tommorrow....
Glad to ahve you here
Sarah
HANG IN THERE!!! You'll make it through no matter how tough it gets, especially now that Sarah's support is here! I remember when my daughter, (29 now), was entering puberty; I too became discouraged and thought "where did we go wrong?" So I read a lot of "parenting teens" books and also began thinking of when I was that age. Love and respect go a long way and sometimes as parents, we lose sight of that. Our teens need support and love even if they're bigger than us. So, I decided that I was going to do the job the best I can, and not give up. It was very difficult for me to parent a teen because I had no role models. I was the last of 9 siblings, and at age 12, I had no guidance, no rules, no love, no acknowlegement; I was neglected. My friends all wanted to move in with us, but I envied them. I wished I had someone interested in my school work, and my talents and interests. I began doing drugs and drinking booze when I was very young and went from being a straight A student to dropping out of High School.
Anyway, the good news is that everything I thought my daughter along with the guidance and support I gave her, paid off. She grew up and became a conscientious and responsible adult. Now she's a mom who uses the same methods of parenting as I did, and has a library of parenting books in her den. My friends' kids and my nieces and nephews also became resonsible adults. Teens are rebellious. And there's a purpose for that; its for them to start getting ready for being out on their own, leaving the nest.
Sarah's work has helped many teens and their families. I know this because I've been connected, (I guess you could say) to Sarah's work and website for a couple of years now. How time flies! Being here, is the place for us to be. :)
Mamie aka Marielle