Update ..... 2 years later . She turned 18 Dec 29 and moved out the 30th . With this guy . She left us in a very unpleasent way . He wouldnt even come pick her up ......... he sent a friend after he wanted her to walk a quater of a mile @ midnight to meet hm . Since then she has come up with a blackeye but said she got it playing around and a huge bruise on her arm . She comes over once or twice a week . But he is NOT allowed to come near any of us !! I am just letting her know at this point that she can come home if she needs,wants or desires to . I am afraid for her but nothing I can do unless she lets me in on it . It breaks my heart and I hate this guy . All I can do is hope she comes to her senses before something drastic happens !!!!!!!!!!!!! I talked to one of her friends that told me he calls her names and degrades her . I was telling her things that has happened to another woman and told her that if that guy loved her that he wouldnt be treating her that way. Hope that the REAL message got across to her !!!!
I School has a prfoessional counsellor adn I have asked for her to have counselling- although she has to agree to go. If she won't talk, there is no point.
I have tried talking, but she is not responsive to me and tends to argue. She took money from me yesterday, so I removed her ipod when she was asleep. She came to me asking if I had it in the morning as it was missing and I exclaimed that there must be a problem as money had gone from my purse too. She claimed not to have taken it, but I was very careful not to accuse her. I simply stuck to the point that her ipod would be returned when my money was. I kept repeating this when she kept on at me to return the ipod- and the money came back, by being placed in my son's room and her telling me that she had found it there. SoI had a distraught son- whom I reassured that it was ok as it wasn't there when I checked on him when everyone was asleep. Again, I refused to accuse her, and replaced the ipod as I jhad the money. i think the message may have got through- but I have discovered her weak spot and a tool for me.
Thanks for getting back to me Sarah.
My daughter has been taking money from my purse for about 6 weeks now. At first, it was 5, then when I caught her, it was £14. I thought I was going mad, as money just wasn't there. She was getting £12 per month, plus her phone paid for; plus horse riding lessons; and generally anything else she had to do chores for, which she very rarely did. She has a dreadful sweet eating habit, which I suspect that she is spending her pocket money on. I asked her why she felt it necessary to steal from me, and she said that I never buy her anything- despite having spent money on her that week for books etc. when we sat down and totalled everything up, together with me giving her money to go to the cinema with her firends, it came to £100! The sweets I cannot explain. She seems to buy them on her way home from school, but this is not just one packet. It is a whole bag of sweets, plus a couple of chocolate bars etc. When she gets home, she takes apples out of the fruit bowl, whcih I am happy for all the children to do, but Celia takes up to 7 and hides them under her pillow!
I have told her in no uncertain terms that stealing is a crime, and that she is depriving everybody of something, as I have only a certain amount each month and have to budget. I have tried to get her to budget her pocket money, and I seem to be getting nowhere with her.
I put the money up to £20 per month, plus phone, plus riding; but small amounts keep disappearing. She is resentful if she asks me for money and I don't have any to hand- especially if she wants it for extra lunch or something. I have explained to herthat I am unhappy giving her money as she spends it on sweets, but that I am hapy to let her have extra bits for lunch- I bought her what she wanted, some kitkats; some juice. Having explained that i would not replace anything for a week, from a packet of 9 bars, she ate 6. She won't eat anything I cook, saying it is disgusting adn turning her nose up, whilst the two boys enjoy theirs. It is clear that she is eating junk and refusing to eat properly. i try to accommodate her, but I am am lone parent with no support from her father. I have approached school and told them that she needs counselling. I am trying to follow the guidelines that you suggest in your book, by empowering her adn giving her choises. She never asks me for anything, she just takes. I have also the book by Gregory Bodenhammer, Parent in Control and I am putting myself first and foremost. I thought I had a breakthrough at the weekend when she wanted me to buy her a cd and so she tidied her room really well, after me asking her for weeks. It is beginning to go the same way as it was before.
I am stressed out completely with her and quite frankly I really don't think I like her very much anymore.
Thank you for replying back Sarah. My 3 objectives:
1. to help strengthten my son's self esteem,
2. to regard me as his friend and not just his mom,
3. to clarify for myself whether I am being overprotective or not and if so, how to overcome that for both's sake.
hi my relationship with him is good its just his brother that he dont get on with they argue about anything and everything they used to share a bedroom but the eldest had enough and went to stay at his nanas and is still there but he comes at weekends to stay and a couple of times during the week
yes generally and she has a good group of friends although she doesnt make much of an effort to see them out of school. She genuinely does seem to like being at hoem-I suppose we should be pleased about that!
Yes and she doesn't really know-she does enjoy drama club after school. She also helped with set painting for the amateur dramatics panto-but this was with me. I would like her to become more independent and try things on her own. I was a late bloomer and regret that I didnt do more when I was a teen. maybe that is why I am so anxious. I will try and back off and let things take their course a bit. I suppose you always feel as though you should DO something.
MY SON IS 15 AND IT STARTED ABOUT A YEAR AGO WHEN HIS MOTHER MOVED TO FLORIDA TO TAKE CARE OF HER GRANDFATHER WHO IS ILL. SHE COMES HOME ONCE EVERY COUPLE OF MONTHS. WE ARE NOT DIVORCED. IT KIND OF A WEIRD "SEPARATION" SO TO SPEAK. WE HAVE HAD SOME FAMILY PROBLEMS BUT WE HAVE MANAGED TO MAKE IT THROUGH SOME HARD TIMES. DEEP DOWN HE IS A WONDERFUL YOUNG MAN BUT IT SEEMS THAT HE IS INFLUENCED VERY EASILY BY THE WRONG CROWDS. I CANT KEEP HIM LOCKED UP FROM SOCIETY ALL THE TIME I HAVE TO ALOW HIM SOME FREEDOM, BUT WHEN I PUNISH HIM FOR DOING WRONG, IM THE BAD GUY SO SOME OF MY FRIENDS SAY I LET HIM "RUN OVER ME". ANY ADVISE WOULD BE GREATFULLY APPRECIATED. THANKS IN ADVANCE. WILLIAM
I do most of the things by the book, your book :-) , like not washing their clothes if they don't hand them in in time, and that works fine. It's the schoolwork I'm worried about. My son says he wants to stay in Grammar School, but he doesn't take any action. I sat down with him and showed him how to plan his homework and to study for tests starting a week in advance doing daily portions. He agreed that this works (he got his first good grades). But if I don't "force" him to do this, by questioning him daily on the subject, he reads it over once and says he has learnt it (and he actually bellieves that is true). And then he's disappointed when he gets an insufficient!
I believe in letting a child 'fall' when there's nothing big at stake (like the ice skating story), but now I'd like to rescue my son i.s.o. just helping him (to use your words) before it's too late. What I worry about is whether or not his behavior has a deeper root cause (the divorce, his growth hormone deficiency) and I don't see it....
We are in Leighton Buzzard, Beds. There are quite a few RnR events locally each month and we are off to Brean Sands for a weekender a week on Friday.
Up until the end or August Dan was taking and dealing coke and dope so he had no money problems. Then he suddenly stopped everything. He kept leaving work early and then he was signed off for 2 weeks. When he went back he still didn't do a full weeks work. Normally he brings home around £330 a week - on a full week's work. Just after he gave up we went away for a week (when he wasn't too bad) but then all hell let loose, he got signed off work, he was hallucinating and was diagnosed with drug induced psychosis. He went overdrawn by £300 while we were away. He was referred to hospital for assessment. They have confirmed he doesn't have a mental problem and he has stopped a lot of the strange behaviour we were seeing. Thank goodness!
He hated working at the site he was at, he had a clash with one of the site managers and he has had some angry incidents there. This Monday they moved him to another site but it's an hour's drive in the morning to north London. At least he likes it there and with a bit of luck he will go every day.
So - over the last few weeks with little money coming in we've got to this situation.
He has to pay out for his car insurance each month which also added to the bill. If he has no vehicle he can't get to work as he has to take tools and can't go on the train.
I think the drugs are getting out of his system gradually, he certainly isn't as irratic as he was although his temper flares up quite easily. He says dope is the only thing that calms him down but I really want him to stay off it.
We try to get him to see the consequences of the things he does but it's hard work as he nearly always blames things on other people - usually us! We never know what's going to happen from one day to the next and there is nearly always something going wrong to do with him.
We just take each day as it comes. A few are good and some are bad.
I'm sure we'll get through it eventually but it feels like a long tunnel at times. Some of the ideas in your book are inspiring and I've told my husband he should read it and start thinking a bit more positively as he's finding it tougher than me at the moment.
Any ideas on getting a 19 year old to take responsibility would be appreciated - I can't tell him when his bedtime is!
No he doesn't smoke either dope or cigarettes in the house. In fact he's moved building sites this week and has to get up at 6am so he's decided he won't smoke dope during the week, which is really great although we're only 3 days into that! He likes working at this sites whereas he hated the last one so were hoping for an improvement in his getting in earlier and getting up in the morning. We've been getting up at 6 too so far this week or he wouldn't get out of bed!
As far as the money goes we've tried all sorts of things.
Me controlling his money
Giving him full control of his money
Trying to help him work out what he needs each week and to save a bit
Letting him spend everything and then not bailing him out
None of it has worked. At the moment he owes us about £900 from the last 8 weeks when he hasn't been doing a full weeks work. We've taken his bank cards off him as he kept going overdrawn and just kept spending!
Everything is so much more difficult when they reach this age as we can't stop him doing anything but he still acts like a 13 yr old.
Any suggestions?
Thanks
Anne
At 11:41am on September 8, 2008, James Bruce said…
Hi, thank you for the kind words. This is one of the songs I produced that is on the Cd titled The Storm by Category IV. Glad you liked it. Please check out the rest. I produced two other CD's one from 14 year old Brandi Lynn Howard and the other by Debbie Collins. I'll put up a sample from each soon. Again thank you. Jim
Hi Sarah, thank you so much for your words of support. I have since had a wonderful evening with the girls and have got my point across without "Nagging", also reassured my self that there was only a problem with the lack of communitcation, contact not any "real" problem going on in the background, but I was on my way to creating a problem just by not relaxing. The atmosphere in the house is 100% better and I know they are all ok. So thank you. You point about asking them as adult to adult was great and made a big shift in my attitude and their reaction. Cheers Penni
Hi Sarah
Your book is fantastic by the way. Read many, but yours is by far the best I've read.
Thanks for your reply. Main problem is setting boundaries. She kicks back at every one, and I know that at times I give in for a quiet life! Wrong I know, but it is a habit we have got into and have to break, but I dont know how. Its the school hols here in Scotland now, and she often breaks her curfew coming back eventually with some story about looking after her (drunk) mate (she was sober) or missing the bus etc. She lies on the phone saying she's on her way in 2 minutes, but she isn't. Phone gets switched off or not answered and I worry about her safety but she doesn't seem to appreciate that - she says I'm being stupid and what do I know about the street! This all causes rows as I am worried and stressed when she finally shows up - 2 hours later at 1am last night. But it feels like every time I say no to her there is a tantrum followed by slamming doors and throwing things. She is in with an older rough crowd, 16-17 year olds, and wants to be like them. She has low self esteem and like me, finds it difficult to say No to people - she has this overwhelming urge to please them even if it means getting herself into trouble. Any help you could offer would be appreciated. Do you still council people one-2-one? as I would gladly pay if you do! I love her to bits and tell her regularly, even after a row, and I know deep down she is not a bad kid, she has a heart of gold, but it is just a bit clouded just now as she has lost her way. Thank you. x
I sent her a 2 page email Thursday. I poured out my heart and opened up to her. I asked her to give it time to make sure she is sure this is what she wants to live with her dad. I invited her to the lake w/us this past weekend, she did not respond or go. She did finally respond only to tell me she thinks she better off their and can't talk to me. That I treat her like she was on a leash, that was only 4 days of her punishment before she went to her dad's for summer visit. She got no punishment but bribes instead to get her to stay. He & his girlfriend gave her back her phone and computer privileges like she did nothing wrong. Not to mention have been buying her stuff, taking her to eat doing things they normally don't do and encouraging her with this boy next door. I know it's to get her to move in. Last Monday I made her a dentist apt. that her dad's girlfriend took her too. Her dad told me we need to change the custody papers, I did not answer him and got him off the phone and it had only been 3 weeks then. So I’m lost as to what to do. She won’t talk to me, but at least she is somewhat talking to me threw emails, it’s a start. I only pray she comes home before its made permant and I know her dad he’s already working on that. Now what else can I do, give her space and time? It just hurts so much to not be able to see my daugther or even talk to her :( Delete Comment
I was going through old emails came across this page again. My daughter 15 has taken a turn for the worse she failed 4 classes and is now in summer school. In addition I found 3 cigs in her room plus there is more, I blew up handled it all wrong. I then took away all her privillages, she was home for 4 days went to stay w/her dad for 2 weeks and has been gone for a month. Will not speak to me and is telling everyone she is moving in w/her dad. It had been 3 weeks and her dad is already telling me we need to chang the court orders. He tells me she wants to live their & has for a long time, this is news to me since she and his girlfriend do not get along most of the time. In additon to this their is a boy who lives next door to her dad she is now dating(I found out through her friends). I have been a emotional roller coater and no clue what to do.. I feel like I failed her. I've been doing a lot of thinking & things have not been the same since my mother past away Dec 2006, she lived with us, I took care of her. I kindof shut down some, I think I drove her away. Now she will not even talk to me, what should I do. Totally lost here... Delete Comment
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I have tried talking, but she is not responsive to me and tends to argue. She took money from me yesterday, so I removed her ipod when she was asleep. She came to me asking if I had it in the morning as it was missing and I exclaimed that there must be a problem as money had gone from my purse too. She claimed not to have taken it, but I was very careful not to accuse her. I simply stuck to the point that her ipod would be returned when my money was. I kept repeating this when she kept on at me to return the ipod- and the money came back, by being placed in my son's room and her telling me that she had found it there. SoI had a distraught son- whom I reassured that it was ok as it wasn't there when I checked on him when everyone was asleep. Again, I refused to accuse her, and replaced the ipod as I jhad the money. i think the message may have got through- but I have discovered her weak spot and a tool for me.
I haven't yet sorted the sweets issue.
My daughter has been taking money from my purse for about 6 weeks now. At first, it was 5, then when I caught her, it was £14. I thought I was going mad, as money just wasn't there. She was getting £12 per month, plus her phone paid for; plus horse riding lessons; and generally anything else she had to do chores for, which she very rarely did. She has a dreadful sweet eating habit, which I suspect that she is spending her pocket money on. I asked her why she felt it necessary to steal from me, and she said that I never buy her anything- despite having spent money on her that week for books etc. when we sat down and totalled everything up, together with me giving her money to go to the cinema with her firends, it came to £100! The sweets I cannot explain. She seems to buy them on her way home from school, but this is not just one packet. It is a whole bag of sweets, plus a couple of chocolate bars etc. When she gets home, she takes apples out of the fruit bowl, whcih I am happy for all the children to do, but Celia takes up to 7 and hides them under her pillow!
I have told her in no uncertain terms that stealing is a crime, and that she is depriving everybody of something, as I have only a certain amount each month and have to budget. I have tried to get her to budget her pocket money, and I seem to be getting nowhere with her.
I put the money up to £20 per month, plus phone, plus riding; but small amounts keep disappearing. She is resentful if she asks me for money and I don't have any to hand- especially if she wants it for extra lunch or something. I have explained to herthat I am unhappy giving her money as she spends it on sweets, but that I am hapy to let her have extra bits for lunch- I bought her what she wanted, some kitkats; some juice. Having explained that i would not replace anything for a week, from a packet of 9 bars, she ate 6. She won't eat anything I cook, saying it is disgusting adn turning her nose up, whilst the two boys enjoy theirs. It is clear that she is eating junk and refusing to eat properly. i try to accommodate her, but I am am lone parent with no support from her father. I have approached school and told them that she needs counselling. I am trying to follow the guidelines that you suggest in your book, by empowering her adn giving her choises. She never asks me for anything, she just takes. I have also the book by Gregory Bodenhammer, Parent in Control and I am putting myself first and foremost. I thought I had a breakthrough at the weekend when she wanted me to buy her a cd and so she tidied her room really well, after me asking her for weeks. It is beginning to go the same way as it was before.
I am stressed out completely with her and quite frankly I really don't think I like her very much anymore.
1. to help strengthten my son's self esteem,
2. to regard me as his friend and not just his mom,
3. to clarify for myself whether I am being overprotective or not and if so, how to overcome that for both's sake.
I believe in letting a child 'fall' when there's nothing big at stake (like the ice skating story), but now I'd like to rescue my son i.s.o. just helping him (to use your words) before it's too late. What I worry about is whether or not his behavior has a deeper root cause (the divorce, his growth hormone deficiency) and I don't see it....
Up until the end or August Dan was taking and dealing coke and dope so he had no money problems. Then he suddenly stopped everything. He kept leaving work early and then he was signed off for 2 weeks. When he went back he still didn't do a full weeks work. Normally he brings home around £330 a week - on a full week's work. Just after he gave up we went away for a week (when he wasn't too bad) but then all hell let loose, he got signed off work, he was hallucinating and was diagnosed with drug induced psychosis. He went overdrawn by £300 while we were away. He was referred to hospital for assessment. They have confirmed he doesn't have a mental problem and he has stopped a lot of the strange behaviour we were seeing. Thank goodness!
He hated working at the site he was at, he had a clash with one of the site managers and he has had some angry incidents there. This Monday they moved him to another site but it's an hour's drive in the morning to north London. At least he likes it there and with a bit of luck he will go every day.
So - over the last few weeks with little money coming in we've got to this situation.
He has to pay out for his car insurance each month which also added to the bill. If he has no vehicle he can't get to work as he has to take tools and can't go on the train.
I think the drugs are getting out of his system gradually, he certainly isn't as irratic as he was although his temper flares up quite easily. He says dope is the only thing that calms him down but I really want him to stay off it.
We try to get him to see the consequences of the things he does but it's hard work as he nearly always blames things on other people - usually us! We never know what's going to happen from one day to the next and there is nearly always something going wrong to do with him.
We just take each day as it comes. A few are good and some are bad.
I'm sure we'll get through it eventually but it feels like a long tunnel at times. Some of the ideas in your book are inspiring and I've told my husband he should read it and start thinking a bit more positively as he's finding it tougher than me at the moment.
Any ideas on getting a 19 year old to take responsibility would be appreciated - I can't tell him when his bedtime is!
thanks
Anne
Wouldn't it be funny if we knew each other!
No he doesn't smoke either dope or cigarettes in the house. In fact he's moved building sites this week and has to get up at 6am so he's decided he won't smoke dope during the week, which is really great although we're only 3 days into that! He likes working at this sites whereas he hated the last one so were hoping for an improvement in his getting in earlier and getting up in the morning. We've been getting up at 6 too so far this week or he wouldn't get out of bed!
As far as the money goes we've tried all sorts of things.
Me controlling his money
Giving him full control of his money
Trying to help him work out what he needs each week and to save a bit
Letting him spend everything and then not bailing him out
None of it has worked. At the moment he owes us about £900 from the last 8 weeks when he hasn't been doing a full weeks work. We've taken his bank cards off him as he kept going overdrawn and just kept spending!
Everything is so much more difficult when they reach this age as we can't stop him doing anything but he still acts like a 13 yr old.
Any suggestions?
Thanks
Anne
Your book is fantastic by the way. Read many, but yours is by far the best I've read.
Thanks for your reply. Main problem is setting boundaries. She kicks back at every one, and I know that at times I give in for a quiet life! Wrong I know, but it is a habit we have got into and have to break, but I dont know how. Its the school hols here in Scotland now, and she often breaks her curfew coming back eventually with some story about looking after her (drunk) mate (she was sober) or missing the bus etc. She lies on the phone saying she's on her way in 2 minutes, but she isn't. Phone gets switched off or not answered and I worry about her safety but she doesn't seem to appreciate that - she says I'm being stupid and what do I know about the street! This all causes rows as I am worried and stressed when she finally shows up - 2 hours later at 1am last night. But it feels like every time I say no to her there is a tantrum followed by slamming doors and throwing things. She is in with an older rough crowd, 16-17 year olds, and wants to be like them. She has low self esteem and like me, finds it difficult to say No to people - she has this overwhelming urge to please them even if it means getting herself into trouble. Any help you could offer would be appreciated. Do you still council people one-2-one? as I would gladly pay if you do! I love her to bits and tell her regularly, even after a row, and I know deep down she is not a bad kid, she has a heart of gold, but it is just a bit clouded just now as she has lost her way. Thank you. x
Can you give me an example that will realy help and then I ahve something concrete to wortk with!
Sarah
its about everything and anything - mainly if she cant get her own way - if i say no then its straight to daddy who says yes to keep the peace
as for photos - its a top and jeans lol
any help gratefully accepted
thanks
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